Speeding in Pennsylvania

1) Good:
 An Erie , PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' Officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . and a bucket full of money.  (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better:
 A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh , PA. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a pic ture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best:
 A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.......

All Temperatures Are Relative!

60 Degrees F:
Floridians, Californians, & Hawaiians turn on the heat
Wisconsinites are out sunbathing

40 degrees F:
Italian & English cars won't start
Wisconsin motorists drive with the top down

20 degrees F:
New York landlords finally turn on the heat
Wisconsinites have the last cookout before it gets cold

-20 degrees F:
Californians flee to Mexico and Hawaii
Wisconsin Girl Scouts are selling cookies door-to-door

-40 degrees F:
Washington DC runs out of hot air
Wisconsinites let the dogs sleep indoors

-60 degrees F:
People in Florida all die
Folks in Wisconsin are annoyed because their cars won't start

-460 degrees F (Absolute zero on the Kelvin scale):
Hell freezes over
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late

What Is That Thing Called?

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a
few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came
into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two
people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken a-back, but she decided to tell him the truth..
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy 's
mom wants to talk to you.'

Dictionary of Common Phrases In Personals

Men & Women Factoids?

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $200 for a $100 item he needs.
A woman will pay $100 for a $200 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Great Sayings Of Police Officers

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos
around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your Birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
that again, or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
crap."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here

When I Say I'm Broke, I'm Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!"
and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not
remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will
personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Lake Charles Job Application

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same
qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon
completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but
we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
questions correct; this being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I
should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?" The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this... on
question #4, the Yankee put down, "I don't know." And you put down,
"Neither do I."

"Don't Know Much About History" ?

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where
Sarah Palin also happened to be attending. Ms. Palin took the
opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question
with which he was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, "Doctor," she asked, "How do you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which
anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that
puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Governor Palin.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world
and died during one of them. Which one?''

Palin thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You
wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I
don't know much about history.'

Confirmed Bachelor

A marriage broker goes to see Mr. A, a confirmed bachelor for many
years.

"Mr. A, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need.
You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no
time!" the marriage broker said.

"Don't bother;" replied Mr. A, "I've got two sisters at home, who look
after all my needs. I am happy with that arrangement."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot
fill the role of a wife," the marriage broker countered.

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine..."

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of
a desert. Congress said,

- "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the
job. Then Congress said,

- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person
to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then
Congress said,

- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control Department and hired two people, one
to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,

- "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a timekeeper, and a payroll
officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,

- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, a Deputy Administrative Officer, and a
secretary. Then Congress said,

- "We have had this in operation for one year and we are $1,000,000
over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Love Life As A Pilot

Her Diary:

Tonight I thought my pilot boyfriend was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost
him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
and watched T. V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came up,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, it was
okay but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere else.

He fell asleep while I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

=====================

His Diary:

Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.